Notes to my sister

My sister passed away October 2009 at the age of 58. She struggled with oral cancer for several years, so her death was a mixed blessing - no more suffering for her, but a tremendous loss for the rest of us. These are the notes I wrote to her in the months following her death.

October 27, 2009
Hello my seestor. I miss you so much it hurts. They say that will go away after a time, but it's too soon, I guess. So we get through day by day. It's Tuesday, and it is raining here on the pond; autumn is in full swing. You would have loved it here in the fall. The trees form a brilliant wreath around the edge of the pond and explode into abstractness when the wind ruffles the water. You should be here to see this. Wherever you are, I hope there is autumn...and scottie dogs... and red jeeps that climb high into the mountains on snowy days. Rest peacefully and know you will always be loved.

November 1, 2009
It's Sunday - my birthday today. I just saw that ridiculous bear that you sent last year - it's still sitting on the chair by the window. Every year for 50 years you were there to make birthdays more unusual, more delightful. I'll miss that. I miss you. But it's getting easier each day to deal. Each day is a new lesson in humility and humanity. That's perhaps the most important gift you have ever given, but with the highest price.

November 8, 2009
To her friend, Nicole... "it always feels a little weird writing here, but it has helped with the grieving - in some way I know she can read this and know what's in my heart. It's been a month, and it's a bit easier to get through the day without getting "verklempt." But it's still just under the surface. She and my Dad went at the same time, and I am inthe process of cleaning out his house - there are reminders of them both everywhere. :P"

November 30, 2009
Thanksgiving was not the same without you and Dad this year; we had turkey and roasted root veggies. Nothing traditional. It seems to be getting a little easier to get through the day without finding a million things that remind me of you. But today a trip to Barnes and Noble was particularly difficult - Irish music, Scottie dogs, Christmas elves, and calendars of Ireland. Every cup of DD coffee, Earl Gray tea, or Irish Whiskey brings you into my thoughts. Miss you today, my seestor.

December 9, 2009
Yesterday, I wondered if you knew just how important you were in this life. You gave life to so many people through your work; you brought strength to those who were suffering. You were the validation of my memory. You gave a wonderful legacy to your children. You taught your grandchildren to knit. :)
Each of us has such a special place in this life. I often wonder how often we realize how valuable we are to the people around us. Today, you are helping me remember how important it is to go forward and do good in this world. That each of us is important. I love you and miss you and appreciate your life.

December 13, 2009
It has been an emotional day - writing Christmas cards, telling everyone Merry Christmas, remembering that you and Dad won't be there to share it this year. Made me sad. But I remembered good Christmases past, and that there will be better years to come. All part of the cycle.By the way - I found out that I passed all of my classes... 2 As and a B. There were days this semester when I could barely get out of bed, but I knew that if I gave up you or Dad would haunt me forever. lol. So I made it - no incompletes, no bad grades, no nervous breakdowns. Life is pretty boring when you decide to suck it up and handle whatever life sends you... But I guess you already knew that, huh?

December 24, 2009
Tomorrow is our first Christmas without you around - I hope to find a copy of the Leroy Anderson Christmas album to play in your honor... Dashing through the snow... Merry Christmas, my seestor. We will miss your smile this year.

January 17, 2010
This will be my last post, I think. It has helped to have a place to air my thoughts - even though you haven't necessarily been able to read them, there were things which just needed to be said. In May you will have been 59 years old - just one year shy of the big 6-0. It would have been nice to celebrate another decade or two with you, but I guess that's out now. I'll have to find a way to party on by myself. :) So - Happy 2010, my seestor. Say hello to all of the ancestors for us. Rosie and Clarence, Senora and Granny, and all of the Reeley, Curry and Hudgins clan who have passed before. Love and honor to you all.