Some of you have heard me talk about chiari malformation and about my experiences with bipolar disorder. The combination is deadly.
Case in point: last Saturday, I spent too much time in the sun and got overheated; as usual I went from normal to heat strike without the benefit of anything in between. (Outside temp was only 75 degrees, and I was under an umbrella most of that time!) The result was increased intracranial pressure. Got something cold to drink to keep body temp from spiking, but the headache was poised and ready to flare.
I realized I needed to get back to the house quickly, so I loaded up the car. I messed up my neck and shoulders lifting the bike onto the rack. [Total wt only 41lbs] Massive headache kicks in (chiari).
I drove to my storage shed to unload the car in the rising heat; had to move a bunch of boxes to do that, because everything I own is in limbo at the moment. As I was working in the shed, three guys on Harleys decide to rev it up as they drove by; my throbbing head felt like it would explode. Headache and agitation now on overdrive.
Finally got all the boxes sorted and decided to take one home that needed to be gone through. I grabbed the box, turned around too fast, missed a step, fell over something on the floor of the shed. Landed on the gravel, contents of the box scattered because box is now broken. Trashed two critical hard drives that fell out of the box. Legs are both injured, right hand is bruised and bleeding. Things got ugly.
Psychotic break. There I was, this 200 lb middle aged woman, weeping, screaming, cursing a blue streak, bleeding; I couldn’t move because I just reinjured everything I hurt the LAST time I fell (frequent falls are a gift from chiari). I was sitting in pointy gravel, so getting up required putting raw bleeding hand on said gravel to stabilize. Got up, screamed at the box (logically), shoved everything into the car and drive home.
Got to the house and completely lost it. I was borderline suicidal. I was standing at the bathroom sink sobbing uncontrollably, repeating, "I can't do this any more." At that moment, I could not forsee a future that did not include this kind of physical and emotional pain. (Bipolar is extremely narcissistic.) I wanted to give up.
Fortunately, my mother was there. She had me sit down, then packed my head and neck (and bruised, bleeding arm) with ice. I began to do my mindfulness practice... breathing, calming the brain, beating some more. It took the better part of a half hour before I could stop sobbing and utter coherent sentences. I was exhausted, embarrassed, and bleeding. But no longer ready to toss in the towel.
Total elapsed time: one hour 20 minutes.
You all know someone with emotional issues. You may have friends who get migraines or muscle spams just from turning their head the wrong way. I wrote this to encourage you to see beyond the obvious.
The next time someone with chiari or bipolar or any other "invisible" illness tells you they've had a rough day, just take their word for it. Be understanding, even if you don't understand. And give then a hug if they're not too bruised.
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